I'll Never Forget to Remember

Blessed.  Grateful.  Humbled.  Prayful.  Amazed. 

These are only a few of the rollercoaster of emotions I experienced yesterday.  I went to bed Thursday night and woke up Friday morning thinking of exactly the same thing: just how far Ava has come in her journey since battling, and handily defeating, meningitis three years ago.  Yesterday was the anniversary of the her admittance to the hospital and, to be honest, I had mixed feelings about whether or not I wanted to remember, to celebrate or to forget it.  Last year, I chose to "forget."  (You never truly forget something like this.)

Going back to her first 24 hours in the hospital is easily the most heart-wrenching emotion I have ever experienced (and my faithful readers know my family has been through a lot just in the past 8 months so this statement is not taken lightly.)  Recently, though, that fateful day of January 28, 2008 found its way into a conversation I had with Nick. 

That's all it took.  It all started coming back.  The phone call to the on-call pediatrician the night before asking to bring Ava in first thing Monday morning because she had been so lethargic all weekend.  They admitted her to HCH that morning for dehydration.  After hours of getting worse, not better, her regular pediatrician came to see her off the clock.  Thank God for her!  She diagnosed Ava with possible meningitis and had her transferred to PMCH at St. Vincent immediately. 

Once Ava had completed her CT scan and MRI, the neurologist on call that night gave us results no parent wants hear.  There were three equally possible outcomes based on her scans: survival with limited brain damage, survival with serious brain damage of a vegetative nature or not surviving.  (I realize "not surviving" is hardly gramatically correct, but I can not/will not write it any other way.)  Whoa.  I still have to let that one sink in for a while before I really "get it."  There was a 33% chance my daughter wouldn't see her 2nd birthday.  Talk about perspective...mine has never been the same since that day! 

It was at that moment that I began praying.  Praying in ways I never knew I could.  Trusting in God in ways I had never, ever been asked to before.  Ways I did not understand until I was put in that position with my back against the wall.  My choices were simple:  Trust in God, fully and completely, or "fix it" on my own.  Clearly, I am not a doctor.  I've never been trained in neurology or physiatry or rehabilitation therapy.  I have no real knowledge of human body past my high school anatomy class...  My choice was clear.

This is the only picture we have of Ava in the hospital.  I didn't want to remember her hooked up to respirators or feeding tubes - and I didn't want anyone to either.  On this day, the Pacers were visiting with some of the patients on her floor and a nurse took our picture and printed it out for us.  Thanks Marquis Daniels, Jermaine O'Neal (that's his chin!) and Asst. Coach and Pacemate for this good memory!

The overwhelming support of our family and friends made this entire journey so much easier.  I still remember every visitor who came to the hospital and to our home to pray with us and for us.  Every card sent or hand-delivered is in a box in the girls' room for us to share with Ava when she gets older.  Every stuffed animal and balloon brought to brighten her day, and ours too.  Every meal provided by the generous hands of others.  There are so many people to thank - as I remember these things, I still don't feel like I have said "thank you" enough times to enough people. 

Just a very tiny handful of Thank You's for the support we needed so much.  I will never forget to remember the outpouring of love and support you provided when we needed it most.  To our parents and families who watched and cared for Carli for 16 days so Nick and I could be at the hospital.  To our church family (CPCC and my friends at BCC) who prayed over Ava and for her, who brought meals to our house for 6 months following her discharge while we struggled to keep up with Ava's therapy schedule.  To my friend Michelle whose son Evan and his Sunday School class made Ava a huge card with wonderful pictures, stickers and messages - definitely saved that one too!  To our good friends Caleb and Tisha who traveled here from Alabama less than two days after hearing the news so they could be here for us.  To every single person who took time to visit with us in the hospital, some traveling several hours each way and many of you more than once.  To my friends who volunteered to watch Carli during Ava's many doctor appointments just after discharge - Abby, Liz, Mel and Emily you guys rock!  To all of Ava's doctors, specialists and therapists who touched our lives through their patience and dedication...Miss Sarah, Miss Kellie and Miss Ricka you are truly a blessing to us.  And most importantly, to Nick for letting me cry when I need to, for making me laugh when I need to and for never wavering in your faith so I didn't waver in mine...I love you. 

My faith defines who I am and that night is the truest test of my faith to date.  God has certainly handed me some difficult tests since then, but the "choice" is so easy now.  I know God loves us and cares for us and that everything truly does happen for a reason.  God used Ava to wake up a lot of people, myself included, who were walking through this life with much less faith than they were/are capable of.  God has some BIG plans for Ava!  I can't believe I get to come along for the ride as I witness His miracles in her every single day! 

Ava's CaringBridge site (essentially my first blog!) that I set up in the hospital is still up if you would like to revisit it: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/avawolf