I'll Never Forget to Remember

Blessed.  Grateful.  Humbled.  Prayful.  Amazed. 

These are only a few of the rollercoaster of emotions I experienced yesterday.  I went to bed Thursday night and woke up Friday morning thinking of exactly the same thing: just how far Ava has come in her journey since battling, and handily defeating, meningitis three years ago.  Yesterday was the anniversary of the her admittance to the hospital and, to be honest, I had mixed feelings about whether or not I wanted to remember, to celebrate or to forget it.  Last year, I chose to "forget."  (You never truly forget something like this.)

Going back to her first 24 hours in the hospital is easily the most heart-wrenching emotion I have ever experienced (and my faithful readers know my family has been through a lot just in the past 8 months so this statement is not taken lightly.)  Recently, though, that fateful day of January 28, 2008 found its way into a conversation I had with Nick. 

That's all it took.  It all started coming back.  The phone call to the on-call pediatrician the night before asking to bring Ava in first thing Monday morning because she had been so lethargic all weekend.  They admitted her to HCH that morning for dehydration.  After hours of getting worse, not better, her regular pediatrician came to see her off the clock.  Thank God for her!  She diagnosed Ava with possible meningitis and had her transferred to PMCH at St. Vincent immediately. 

Once Ava had completed her CT scan and MRI, the neurologist on call that night gave us results no parent wants hear.  There were three equally possible outcomes based on her scans: survival with limited brain damage, survival with serious brain damage of a vegetative nature or not surviving.  (I realize "not surviving" is hardly gramatically correct, but I can not/will not write it any other way.)  Whoa.  I still have to let that one sink in for a while before I really "get it."  There was a 33% chance my daughter wouldn't see her 2nd birthday.  Talk about perspective...mine has never been the same since that day! 

It was at that moment that I began praying.  Praying in ways I never knew I could.  Trusting in God in ways I had never, ever been asked to before.  Ways I did not understand until I was put in that position with my back against the wall.  My choices were simple:  Trust in God, fully and completely, or "fix it" on my own.  Clearly, I am not a doctor.  I've never been trained in neurology or physiatry or rehabilitation therapy.  I have no real knowledge of human body past my high school anatomy class...  My choice was clear.

This is the only picture we have of Ava in the hospital.  I didn't want to remember her hooked up to respirators or feeding tubes - and I didn't want anyone to either.  On this day, the Pacers were visiting with some of the patients on her floor and a nurse took our picture and printed it out for us.  Thanks Marquis Daniels, Jermaine O'Neal (that's his chin!) and Asst. Coach and Pacemate for this good memory!

The overwhelming support of our family and friends made this entire journey so much easier.  I still remember every visitor who came to the hospital and to our home to pray with us and for us.  Every card sent or hand-delivered is in a box in the girls' room for us to share with Ava when she gets older.  Every stuffed animal and balloon brought to brighten her day, and ours too.  Every meal provided by the generous hands of others.  There are so many people to thank - as I remember these things, I still don't feel like I have said "thank you" enough times to enough people. 

Just a very tiny handful of Thank You's for the support we needed so much.  I will never forget to remember the outpouring of love and support you provided when we needed it most.  To our parents and families who watched and cared for Carli for 16 days so Nick and I could be at the hospital.  To our church family (CPCC and my friends at BCC) who prayed over Ava and for her, who brought meals to our house for 6 months following her discharge while we struggled to keep up with Ava's therapy schedule.  To my friend Michelle whose son Evan and his Sunday School class made Ava a huge card with wonderful pictures, stickers and messages - definitely saved that one too!  To our good friends Caleb and Tisha who traveled here from Alabama less than two days after hearing the news so they could be here for us.  To every single person who took time to visit with us in the hospital, some traveling several hours each way and many of you more than once.  To my friends who volunteered to watch Carli during Ava's many doctor appointments just after discharge - Abby, Liz, Mel and Emily you guys rock!  To all of Ava's doctors, specialists and therapists who touched our lives through their patience and dedication...Miss Sarah, Miss Kellie and Miss Ricka you are truly a blessing to us.  And most importantly, to Nick for letting me cry when I need to, for making me laugh when I need to and for never wavering in your faith so I didn't waver in mine...I love you. 

My faith defines who I am and that night is the truest test of my faith to date.  God has certainly handed me some difficult tests since then, but the "choice" is so easy now.  I know God loves us and cares for us and that everything truly does happen for a reason.  God used Ava to wake up a lot of people, myself included, who were walking through this life with much less faith than they were/are capable of.  God has some BIG plans for Ava!  I can't believe I get to come along for the ride as I witness His miracles in her every single day! 

Ava's CaringBridge site (essentially my first blog!) that I set up in the hospital is still up if you would like to revisit it: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/avawolf

Mission: Be "X"treme

The secret's out - 29 has been full of "firsts" for me!  It all started last May when I discovered my love for running.  I have run competitively in a few 5K's and am currently in training to run my first half-marathon this May at the Indianapolis 500 Festival - exactly 100 days away!  Then in July, I colored my once-blonde tresses auburn (something I've been wanting to do for years and finally decided just to go for it!)  Success!  I love my new hair color - just the pick-me-up this mom of three needed. 

Next up on the list of "firsts": the cake.  Baking and decorating my son's first birthday cake was certainly something I never thought I'd be able to do... (And it should be noted that, in an attempt to overcome my computer inept-ness, I just posted a text link to my blog for the very first time...all by myself!  Ha!)  My mantra for the big 3-0 (less than 2 months away now): No Regrets.  No longer will I talk myself out of all those things "I could never do"...

So welcome to my exciting new adventure in health and fitness: P90X.  According to their website, "In just 90 days, you can get back in shape, or build the body you've always wanted. All you need is a set of dumbbells or resistance bands, a pull-up bar, and about an hour a day. No gym membership required."  I longed for the flat stomach and tone muscles I enjoyed many years ago - before I had three kids!  I have been back to my pre-pregnancy weight for months, but tone?  Not exactly.  Abs?  Forget it!  Both my pregnancies delivered via c-section.  It occurred to me recently that I am not exactly positive if my abdominal muscles are even in their proper location.  I mean, I had some excellent doctors but they moved a lot of things around to get those babies out! 

I have heard so many great reviews of the program and I was curious to see if I could do it.  So I asked my brother if I could borrow his DVD's.  They sat downstairs in their case for 2 weeks, staring at me every time I would watch Biggest Loser while munching on my snack of the night.  I had already started running on the treadmill in preparation for Mini Marathon training and I knew I would need some variety to my workout if I was going to train faithfully until May.  Finally last Thursday morning, I decided to get them out.  No Regrets, remember.  Once I did the first workout I was hooked. 

Yes, it's hard.  No Pain, No Gain.  (I'm full of great sports cliches tonight!)  Yes, at 50-60 minutes per day, it's time consuming but the workouts go quickly and because there are short water breaks spread throughout the workout, I have no problem keeping up.  I completed my first full week of workouts last night with Kenpo X (easily my favorite, though I love the Plyometrics workout as well .  Both are cadio-centered - lots of jumping, kicking, and boxing!) 

I was sore the first few days, but Day 4 was Yoga X which means I was all stretched out by the end and haven't been sore since.  Sidenote: I have never done yoga before, it always seemed too boring for me, so this was my first experience with anything outside of the very basic moves/stretches that are on my Wii Fit.  My balance is pretty good and I used to be flexible, so I figured this would be easy.  Wrong.  My body needed to remind my brain that my cheerleading and gymnastics days are far, far behind me!  However, I would love to know who took inventory of all the stretches we learned at cheerleading camp 15 years ago, put them on a video and called it Yoga??   

And my reward for sticking with it?  Confidently putting on a bathing suit this summer!  Because, really, what's hotter than a mom hitting the beach to showcase her tone tummy and  her stretchmarks?!

Operator, I Need to Call Heaven Please

Three years ago today my Nana left this world to join our Good Lord (and my Papa Carl) in Heaven.  I miss her terribly but I like to tell A and C stories about her to keep her memory alive for them.  She died when they were only 18 months old, so they won't have any memories of their own but I hope that stories and pictures will help them "remember" their Nana like I do.

A few days ago, A and C were talking on their phones and I asked who was on the phone.  "We called Nana in Heaven.  She's having a great day!"  They proceeded to ask her what she was doing, then answer their own questions like 4 year olds do.  On this day, Nana was playing games, mostly Candyland, and some cards (probably quite accurate!)  Then she played outside and had some hot chocolate with marshmellows.  Sounds like a pretty good day to me too! 

At the time, I just smiled as the girls continued playing but as I write this I realize how much that moment meant to me.  To know that A and C, on their own and out of the blue, wanted to call Nana in Heaven means they have taken the stories and pictures to heart and will remember her in their own way! 

We love you and miss you Nana!

Valentine's Day 2011

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The Cake that Made Me Cry

Goodness gracious, has it really been over 2 months since my last post?!?  Happy 2011 everyone!  I know I have a lot of catching up to do so please be patient!

To say the end of 2010 was a whirl-wind is a gigantic understatement!  We had six straight weeks of fabulous family events to attend (nearly all of them out of town, which meant we were home for four days - at best - then gone again for three days or more.)  Fitting in all the Thanksgivings and Christmases every year is already hectic; add in a bridal shower for my then SIL to be, the happy couple's wedding weekend and my son's First Birthday and you've got a recipe for exhaustion!!  And I wouldn't change one minute of it!  I promise to do a post on the wedding festivities and Christmases soon; tonight I recount D's birthday!

D turned 1 on New Year's Eve...and I am still trying to figure out where the past year has gone.  I remember preparing for A and C's first birthday.  The parties (yes, they had three first birthday parties), the cakes, the one-year pictures...I was so excited they were about to be "a whole number"!  It was their second birthday, for some reason, that was much harder for me to accept.  I guess I should have realized once they turned 1 that turning 2 was the next big milestone.  Sometimes the mommy-brain takes over, though, and the obvious things don't seem so obvious!

For D it is different.  Every one of his "firsts" is our last.  The last "first" time one of my babies would learn to smile.  The last "first" laugh.  The last "first" baby hug.  The last "first" tooth.  And last Sunday, D debuted his walking skills - his first real steps on his own without someone standing 2 steps in front of him.  Another last "first".  When D was born, we decided our family is complete. But that only makes all of these firsts harder.  The night he started taking 1-2 steps on his own at the beginning of December, I cried (okay, sobbed) the entire time. 

Sunday was a little different, I guess because I had been preparing for it.  He just stood up in the middle of the living room, gave me a huge grin and started toward me.  I was about 6-7 feet away in the kitchen where I squatted down, arms outreached, and cheered him on!  I was still a little surprised when he took off without any prompting, but A and C were standing there next to me just as excited as I was!  (Nick had *just* left to go to the Colts game with some friends - so I think God decided to give me a special gift that day because He knew I was super bummed I was not going to the game!)  And so I have a walking, talking (okay, so he says like 6 words, but it's a start!) one year old who loves to laugh and sing (loudly) and play peek-a-boo with his sisters, and my dishtowels!!

While Sunday capped off an amazing birthday weekend for D, in the two days prior I had my own "first".  My first attempt at baking and decorating a cake.  For the girls' birthday this summer, I drove 45 minutes to the south side of town to pick up two cakes I paid $50 for that were okay but who really wants to pay $50 for okay?  It was on that day I decided I could bake and decorate a cake (how hard could it be, really?!?) and for a lot less money!  Thus, this memorable "first" was born. 

I have two wonderful friends who offered to lend me a #1 cake pan (thanks Meg!) and her decorating tips, icing colors, and homemade icing recipe (thanks Jennifer!) which made my preparation even easier.  Thursday night, two days before the party, I made sure I had icing bags, cake mix, ingredients for icing - I felt so prepared!  Friday, New Year's Eve, we took the kids to the Children's Museum and then out to dinner (our little family tradition) for D's birthday.  Then we came home, celebrated NYE and had the kids in bed about 9:45pm. 

I got the icing made (I got to use the new stand mixer I got for Christmas, thanks Mom and Dad!) - I actually laughed at one point at how easy it is to make "homemade" anything with this mixer!  I really didn't do anything but pour the ingredients in then stand there and laugh at my domesticated self while the mixer did all the work.  (Nick thought I was crazy, but remember, it's at least 11pm and I'm in the beginning stages of a birthday cake!)  Before I proceed, you know should know that I do my best work under pressure.  Just ask my college roommate!  You may call it procrastination; I call it necessitated focus! 

Can not figure out how to rotate my picture...but you get the idea!

The cake was out of the oven and cooling as I attempted to make an educated guess on how much of each color icing I needed to mix up.  I wanted to match a plate I bought for the party, so I would need blue, yellow and red.  For some reason, I thought this would be easy.  Lesson #1: when doing something for the first time, go simple!  All one color would have been a good idea! 



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It's 11:55pm when my husband came up from the basement to remind me that it's NYE.  I took a 10-15 minute break to enjoy a drink with my honey (Bailey's and milk...mmmm!) and ring in 2011!  Then back to work I went.  Everything was ready so I started with the blue icing.  It went on pretty well, but it seemed to be a little runny.  I finished up the blue (the main part of the cake) and put everything in the fridge.  I figured the icing would do better if it was cold, and I felt confident in my icing abilities so I called it a night.  The party's not til 2pm, when D usually wakes up from his nap...I've got all day! 



The next morning, I found a million other things to do.  Mostly cleaning and straightening up, getting the other food together and entertaining the girls who can not seem to entertain themselves on this day.  At 11:15am, D went down for his nap and I jumped in the shower.  Finally!  I just needed to finish getting ready and ice the cake.  Uh-oh.  D woke up at noon and was, of course, a mess.  He really needs his 3 hour naps...45 minutes was not going to cut it! 



It didn't - he passed out during presents and slept through cake!  Good thing we sang to him before presents!


My parents arrived about 12:45 so I put Jeeps on kid-duty while Mia made a gigantic pan (a roaster actually) of mac and cheese.  I took the cake and icing out of the fridge and start on the yellow.  It looked great...for about 30 seconds.  Apparently the icing was getting warm as I was squeezing it down the icing bag (because I put too much in at a time) and warm icing does not pipe well.  It just melts.  No problem; I put everything back in the fridge for a few minutes.  Didn't work - still too warm.  My dad suggested putting it in the freezer!  Great idea!  Except the decorating tips I was using are metal and while the icing in the bag got cold, the icing inside the tip froze.  This is going from bad to worse! 

I tried to ice the cake anyway, with warm icing.  Why?  I don't know, because I was panicking?!  But as I mentioned before, warm icing just melts.  And I watched as it slid hopelessly down the side of my cake.  And I cried.  I just stood there and cried as I watched my hours of preparation literally melt away.  I escaped to the bathroom to get it together, then called Nick who was already at the store to have him bring home a can of icing so I could finish this cake.  As I piped the store-bought icing along the outer edge of the cake, I felt defeated.  Both my mom and my mother-in-law tried to comfort me by offering to run to Target to pick up a new cake - but in my stubbornness, I kept telling them "that wasn't the point." 

Overall, the cake tasted pretty good and looked okay from far away so I can't complain too much.  But there's always room for improvement!  Come August, I will be searching for a themed cake pan (probably a castle or a princess crown) and will begin preparations for cakes #2 and #3...because it can't get any worse, right?! 

Happiest First Birthday to my little man!!

Looking tired!  I don't think he made it 20 more minutes after this picture!

He would *not* wear this at the party - but a couple days later it was a great new toy!  Boys!

"The Plate" - notice my cake has no red on the outer edges!

We staged his cake pictures and video last night!